- Hoping again after being let down beforeHoping again after being let down is hard because caution is a fair response to what happened, and each of you may be guarding something different.
- The fixer and the one who won't be fixedWhen one of you fixes and the other won't be fixed, the help and the refusal may each be protecting something, and neither is the problem alone.
- The peacekeeper and the one who needs to be rightWhen one of you keeps the peace and the other needs to be right, the fight may never finish, since one of you may be settling it and one ending it.
- The pursuer and the withdrawerIn the pursuer and withdrawer loop, one of you moves closer and one moves away, and each move may be protecting something the other can't see.
- The same fight, decodedThe same fight can be decoded by setting the topic aside and laying out, for each of you, what set it off, what it meant, and what you protected.
- Two rules in one relationshipTwo rules in one relationship can lock together, so that what each of you does to stay safe is the thing that sets off the other.
- When both of you are the strong oneWhen both of you are the strong one, it may be that nobody goes first, and two capable people can end up managing a hard stretch side by side and alone.
- When one of you wants this and one doesn'tWhen one of you wants help and one doesn't, the reluctance may have an ordinary reason, and wanting help is not the same as caring more.
- When sex stoppedWhen sex has stopped, there are often ordinary reasons, and beside them there may be a silence that each of you is keeping for a different reason.
- When trust is goneWhen trust is gone, the injury is real and comes first, and beside it each of you may be protecting something that keeps the same exchange going.
- When you can't tell them the truthWhen you can't tell them the truth, the holding back may be protecting the calm or your standing with them, and it can teach both of you to say less.
- When you feel like roommatesWhen you feel like roommates, it can seem nothing is wrong and nothing is happening, and the distance may be something each of you is keeping for a reason.
- When you've tried everythingWhen you've tried everything, the list of what you tried may show that each attempt went at a different topic and the same loop ran under all of them.
- When you both keep scoreWhen you both keep score, each of you is holding a record the other disputes, and what each record is for may matter more than who is ahead.
- Why couples therapy didn't workCouples therapy may not have worked because it was aimed at how you talk and not at the loop under it, or because the fit or the timing was off.
- Why you fight about the dishesYou may fight about the dishes because the dishes are standing in for something, and what they stand in for may differ for each of you.
Elsewhere in the library
LibraryUnderstandThe questions people actually ask, answered plainly.LibraryThe 9 rules of worth and safetyWhat each shows up as and what would make it less likely.LibraryProtective strategiesWhat you do to stay safe, and the rules underneath.LibraryHelp and fitmentTherapy, coaching, somatic work: three tools, three jobs.LibraryAfter you see the patternNoticing the rule, small experiments, and what to expect.LibraryMeaning mappingWhat you decided a moment meant, and whether it still has to mean that.LibraryParentsYour side of what comes up when you are raising them.
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