The dishwasher was loaded wrong. Or it was not loaded. One of you fixes it with a sigh. The other says it's only a dishwasher. Ten minutes later you are arguing about something that happened in March. Small things really frustrate us.
This page is for both of you.
01
What each of you does
One of you notices and redoes. The towels get refolded. The list gets rewritten.
One of you does a great deal and keeps a rough count of it. Or one of you does it your own way and feels inspected.
You have probably tried a chore chart. It may have worked for two weeks.
One caution comes first. The fight can be about exactly what it looks like. If the work of the house is split unevenly, that is a practical matter, and nothing below is a reason to drop it.
The cost, when it is not about the dishes, may be that you keep settling the dishes.
02
What the dishes may be standing in for
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
There may be a correct way, and seeing it done otherwise may be hard to leave alone. Under Right, the fear is that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. Being corrected over a plate may set off the same fear from the other side.
Read about Right →"If they didn't need me, why would I be here?"
Running the house may be your place in it. Under Needed, the fear is that without your usefulness there is no reason for you. Work that goes unnoticed may feel like more than a missing thank-you.
Read about Needed →"If I'm not producing, I don't know who I am."
A finished kitchen may be one more thing to get done before you can sit down. Under Output, the fear is that without achievement you don't matter.
Read about Output →Either of you could be near any of these. Other rules can be here, and it may be none.
03
How the two can lock together
Say one of you redoes what the other did. To the one who did it, that may read as what you do doesn't count. They do less, or they do it with a grievance.
To the one redoing, less help may read as I am the only one who cares whether it is done properly. They redo more.
The plate is the same plate each time. What it stands for may not be.
04
Three questions, each for one pair
Answer separately, about yourselves.
Between Needed and Right. Which stings more: that they did it without you, or that they did it wrong? Without you is the Needed answer. Wrong is the Right answer.
Between Right and Output. Which is worse: finishing something flawed, or not finishing at all? Flawed is the Right answer. Not finishing is the Output answer.
Between Needed and Output. Who's it for? If it only matters because someone needs it, that is the Needed answer. If it would have to be done even if nobody needed it, that is the Output answer.
If none of these moves anything, there is not enough to tell yet. Some people simply like a tidy kitchen, and that is a preference.
Subtraction starts from particular evenings, more than one, and not from the chore chart.
What happens when both of you are counting is on When You Both Keep Score.