Each of you is reasonable alone. Your friends would say so. Together, on certain subjects, you turn into two people neither of you likes. It happens fast, and afterward you each know exactly what the other did wrong. If they're off, I'm off. We just hand the mood back and forth.
This page is for both of you, and it explains the idea the other couples pages use.
01
One person, then two
A rule is a condition a person may be meeting to stay safe, worthy, or allowed to belong. A strategy is what they do about it.
Alone, that is one fear and one set of moves.
In a couple there may be two. And a strategy is not private. Whatever one of you does to stay safe is something the other has to live next to.
02
How a loop forms
It can go like this, and neither of you may be choosing any of it.
One of you does something protective. The other reads it through their own fear. Then they do something protective in turn, and the first reads that through theirs.
After a few rounds each of you may be reacting to the other's reaction. From inside it can look like the other person's character. It may be a loop.
03
One example
One of you does everything. The driving, the bookings, the remembering. The other says don't bother, I've got it, and means it kindly.
Under the doing there may be Needed, where the fear is that without your usefulness there is no reason for you. There may be Peace, where the fear is that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
Under the declining there may be Burden, where the fear is that your needs make you too much, and too much gets left. There may be Strong, where the fear is that if they see you struggle, you lose the only standing you have.
Say it is Needed on one side and Burden on the other. Then every I've got it may land as you are not required, and every kindness done anyway may land as now I owe you. One of you gives harder. The other refuses more firmly. Both of you are trying to be good to the other.
That is one possible pairing out of many, and it may not be yours.
04
A question for each of you
Answer for yourself only.
For the one who does, between Needed and Peace. If they were completely happy and didn't need you at all, how would that land? Empty, or quietly displaced, is the Needed answer. Relieved is the Peace answer.
For the one who declines, between Burden and Strong. If someone helped you and literally nobody would ever know, would you accept? Yes is the Strong answer. Still no is the Burden answer.
If a question sorts nothing, there is not enough to tell yet.
05
What this does not say
It does not say every couple has a loop. Some difficulties are plain: money, illness, too little time, wanting different things.
It does not say the two of you are equally responsible for everything that has happened. A loop explains a pattern. It does not excuse harm.
If either of you is afraid of what the other will do, this page does not apply.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
Subtraction is the method for removing the explanations that don't hold.
One form of the loop is on The Pursuer and the Withdrawer.