One of you is asked where you want to eat, how the visit with their family went, whether you are happy. You give the answer that keeps the evening easy. The other one half knows, and doesn't push. Small things, mostly. They add up. Whenever I raise something that bothers me it gets shut down, so I've mostly stopped raising things.
This page is for both of you. It is about everyday holding back, and it is not about secrets of the kind that end things.
If the reason one of you can't be honest is fear of what the other will do, this page does not apply.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
01
What each of you does
One of you edits. You round your opinions off. You say it's fine and mean I don't want to get into it.
The other may sense the editing. You ask twice. Or you stop asking, since the answer will be fine.
It may run both ways. Each of you may be giving the other a slightly managed version.
The cost may be that you are each responding to someone who isn't quite there, and decisions can get made on answers that weren't true.
02
What the holding back may be protecting
"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The truth might upset them. Under Peace, the fear is that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
Read about Peace →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The truth might not measure up to one particular person's standard. Under Approval, the fear is that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. That person is often a parent, and is not always the partner in front of you.
Read about Approval →"I need to be chosen."
The truth might make you harder to pick. Under Chosen, the fear is that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select.
Read about Chosen →Other rules can be here, for either of you, and it may be none.
03
How the two can lock together
One of you may say less so as not to cause upset. The other may notice that something is being kept back, and become watchful, or hurt.
The first may see the hurt and take it as a sign that honesty does harm here. They say less still.
Over time each of you may conclude that the other can't take the truth. Neither of you may have tested it.
04
Three questions, each for one pair
Answer separately, each about yourself.
Peace or Approval. Is it anyone being upset with you, or one person's verdict? Anyone is the Peace answer. One person, someone you can name, is the Approval answer. A partner can always be named, so if the one person is your partner this question may not sort anything.
Peace or Chosen. Would you rather have no conflict and be nobody's favorite, or be someone's favorite and have friction? Taking no conflict is the Peace answer. Taking the favorite is the Chosen answer.
Chosen or Approval. Is there one specific person whose verdict runs this, or is it anyone who might pick you? Anyone is the Chosen answer. One person is the Approval answer. The same caution applies with a partner, and it may leave the pair unsorted.
If nothing sorts, there is not enough to tell yet.
Not all editing is a rule. Tact is ordinary. So is keeping some thoughts to yourself. For Peace, the check is whether you hold back where there is no threat at all.
Subtraction works on real instances, such as the last few times one of you said fine.
What can follow when the holding back was larger is on When Trust Is Gone.