A disagreement starts. One of you lays out what happened, in order, with dates. The other says you're right, I'm sorry within a minute. It is over. Three weeks later it is back, and the one with the dates can't understand why. We'd talk and it seemed settled. Much later I'd find out it never was.
This page is for both of you, and it is not about who was right.
01
What each of you does
One of you goes for the facts. You correct the detail. A detail that is off stays with you until it is corrected.
One of you goes for an end to it. You agree, you apologize, you change the subject. You may give up the point to have the evening back.
Each of you may think the other is being unreasonable. The one who agreed may feel overruled. The one who was agreed with may feel handled.
The cost to you both may be that nothing gets settled. An apology given to end a fight is not an answer, and the question tends to come back.
02
What may be under the keeping of the peace
"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The agreement may be a way to stop the upset. Under Peace, the fear is that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
Read about Peace →"I need to be chosen."
The agreement may be a way of staying the one they want. Under Chosen, the fear is that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select.
Read about Chosen →03
What may be under the need to be right
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
You may not be able to rest until what happened is agreed. Under Right, the fear is that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about.
Read about Right →"Stillness is where it catches me."
Going over it may be a way of making sure it can't happen again. Under Ahead, the fear is that if you stop managing, something goes wrong again.
Read about Ahead →These are not the only rules that can produce either side, and it may be none of them.
04
How the two can lock together
The one who needs it settled may get agreement where they wanted an answer. So for them it isn't settled, and they raise it again.
The one who needs it over may hear it raised again and take it as more upset. So they give in faster.
Each of you may be making the other's worry come true without meaning to.
05
The questions, each answered for yourself
Answer separately, each about yourself.
Say you were right and they were upset anyway. Is that alright? No, the upset is what counts, is the Peace answer. Yes, being right settles it, is the Right answer.
For the one who agrees there is a second question, between Peace and Chosen. Would you rather have no conflict and be nobody's favorite, or be someone's favorite and have friction? Taking no conflict is the Peace answer. Taking the favorite is the Chosen answer.
For the one who goes for the facts there is another, between Right and Ahead. Control the outcome, or avoid being wrong? Control the outcome is the Ahead answer. Avoid being wrong is the Right answer.
If you both give the same answer to the first question, the loop on this page may not be yours. If neither of you can answer, there is not enough to tell yet.
Some of this is ordinary. Caring about accuracy is not a rule, and neither is disliking arguments. And some disagreements really do have a fact at the bottom of them.
Subtraction does not decide who won. It asks what each of you was protecting, and removes the explanations that don't fit.
One fight set out step by step, for both of you, is on The Same Fight, Decoded.