It has been months, or longer. Neither of you has said so out loud. At night you each stay on your own side. One of you stopped reaching, and the other never asked why. I miss the small stuff, like reaching for each other without thinking about it.
This page is for both of you. It is not about sex itself, and it gives no advice about it.
Many of the reasons are plain ones: health, medication, tiredness, grief, small children, a hard year. Anything physical belongs with a doctor, and nothing here replaces that.
Neither of you owes the other sex. If there is pressure or fear in this part of your life, this page does not apply.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
01
What each of you does
You don't bring it up. You go to bed at different times. You are affectionate in the kitchen and careful in the bedroom.
One of you may have stopped starting things after being turned down a few times. One of you may have started turning away before anything could be asked.
Each of you may have a private theory about what it means, and may not have checked it.
The cost may be less about sex than about the silence. It can become one more thing you don't say.
02
What the silence may be protecting
"I need to be chosen."
Not asking may be a way of not being turned down. Under Chosen, the fear is that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select.
Read about Chosen →"Strong is the only version of me they know."
Not asking may be a way of not showing that it matters to you. Under Strong, the fear is that if they see you struggle, you lose the only standing you have.
Read about Strong →"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
Not raising it may be a way of keeping things calm. Under Peace, the fear is that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
Read about Peace →These are three of several, for either of you. It may be none, and one of the plain reasons may be all of it.
03
How the two can lock together
One of you may stop reaching so as not to be refused. The other may take the not-reaching as not being wanted, and pull back so as not to show it.
Now two people may each be waiting for a sign from the other, each careful not to give one.
04
Three questions, each for one pair
Answer separately, each about yourself.
Peace or Chosen. Would you rather have no conflict and be nobody's favorite, or be someone's favorite and have friction? Taking no conflict is the Peace answer. Taking the favorite is the Chosen answer.
Chosen or Strong. Which is harder: that they didn't pick you, or that people can see you're not okay? Not picked is the Chosen answer. Seen not okay is the Strong answer. Where the only person who could see is your partner, this question may not fit.
Peace or Strong. Protecting them, or protecting yourself? Protecting them from being upset is the Peace answer. Protecting yourself leaves Strong or Burden, and a different question sorts those two.
If nothing sorts, there is not enough to tell yet. That is a result.
Subtraction would take the plain reasons first. They have equal standing with any rule.
What the same silence can look like in the rest of the house is on When You Feel Like Roommates.