They liked the idea, and you were fine all day. They frowned at the next one, and you were not. Your week goes up and down with one person's face. You thank other people for their praise and go on waiting to hear what this one thinks. The way one person words things puts pressure and guilt on me, even when they don't mean it to.
Caring a great deal what one important person thinks is ordinary, with a boss or a partner most of all.
This is one shape of a wider pattern. The fuller picture is here: why do I need everyone to like me.
01
What you do around them
You may organize a lot around their reactions.
You read their face before you speak. You save good news for them and brace for how they take it. A short reply from them can end your concentration for the afternoon.
You may defend them to other people, and then lie awake over something they said.
People tell you not to let them get to you.
It can cost you your own read on things. A piece of work you thought was good becomes bad at a word from them. And the person may have no idea of the weight they carry.
02
What their opinion may be standing for
"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
Their approval may be the measure. Under Approval, it is one named person, and it would not be the same from anyone else. The person is often a parent, and someone who resembles them, such as a boss, can bring the same reaction.
Read about Approval →"I need to be chosen."
They may be the one who has to keep choosing you. Under Chosen, their good opinion matters because it means you are still picked, and whoever was in their place would matter the same way.
Read about Chosen →Others are possible. One is Right, where the fear is that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. And it may be no rule.
03
What is under the rule
Under Approval, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. What would answer it is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification.
Under Chosen, the fear may be that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select. What would answer it is belonging that isn't competitive.
04
One question that separates them
Is there one specific person whose verdict runs this, or is it anyone who might pick you?
You can name this person, so think about the other people in your life as well. If it has tended to be whoever is in front of you, that is the Chosen answer. If it is one person, someone you can name, that is the Approval answer.
If neither half of the question fits better than the other, there is not enough to tell yet. That is a result.
Some of this is not a rule. A boss does decide things about your work, and paying attention to their view is sensible. Wanting a mentor's respect is ordinary, and for Approval what tells you more is disproportion and duration. And if this person gives and withholds approval in order to control what you do, none of this page applies.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
The question does one thing, which is subtraction: it gives you a way to set one explanation aside.
05
One thing to try this week
Each evening for a week, give the day a number from one to five.
Beside it, write whether you had contact with this person, and how it went.
At the end of the week, read the two columns side by side.
The wider version, where it is everyone, is on Why Do I Need Everyone to Like Me?