You told them about your day and watched their face while you did. They said that's great without looking up, and you were less pleased with the afternoon than you had been an hour before. Or it is not your partner at all. You are happy with this person, and you still hear what someone else would say about the choice. In my own head I know who I am. I just can't get the one person who matters to see it.
In relationships the Approval rule often looks like one person's opinion deciding how you feel about yourself, a partner's or someone else's. Caring what your partner thinks is part of being close to someone, and it may be the only thing going on here.
01
What you do in a relationship
It can take two forms, and they are worth keeping apart.
In one, your partner is the person. You check their reaction before you know your own. You dress, cook, speak, and decide with their response in mind, and a flat response can undo a good day.
In the other, the person is outside the relationship. You may have chosen a partner they would accept, or one they would not, and either can be a way of answering them. You dread the visit. You report the relationship's good news to them and wait.
Someone in my family doesn't approve of how I live. They say they don't judge, but I feel it.
02
What it costs
A partner who is the person may come to feel that your good days depend on their reactions, which they did not ask for.
A partner who is not the person may feel that someone else's opinion counts for more than theirs.
Your own share of it may be the waiting. The approval may not come. It may come and change less than you expected.
03
The rule this may be
Both forms may come from one condition.
What it says will happen
If I stop trying to earn it from them, I'll never get it, and it'll be final. "I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
That is the Approval rule. In the Nine Rules it is one named person, often a parent, often one who stopped watching years ago. A partner can become that person, or can be the one who lives with it while the person is someone else.
The fear under it is that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. In a relationship that can make an ordinary distracted evening feel like a comment on the whole day.
What would answer the fear is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification. Being glad of something you did on a day nobody mentioned it.
04
What else it could be
It may be about being the one who is picked, by whoever is there. Is there one specific person whose verdict runs this, or is it anyone who might pick you? One person, someone you can name, is the Approval answer. Anyone is the Chosen answer. A partner always has a name, so this takes some care. Under Chosen it tends to be whoever is in front of you.
Read about Chosen →It may be about nobody being unhappy with you. Is it anyone being upset with you, or one person's verdict? Anyone is the Peace answer. One person, someone you can name, is the Approval answer. How the Peace rule shows up in relationships covers that one.
Read about Peace →It may be the being wrong that hurts. Does it matter less if the person correcting you is someone you don't respect? Yes, much less is the Approval answer. No, wrong is wrong whoever says it, is the Right answer.
Read about Right →It may be about being relied on. Which would be harder to lose: being needed, or one person's good opinion of you? Being needed is the Needed answer. One person's opinion is the Approval answer.
Read about Needed →Some of this is simply closeness. Wanting someone you love to be proud of you is not a rule. What tells you more is disproportion and duration. And if a partner hands out approval and takes it away in order to control what you do, none of this page applies.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
You may find nothing of yourself here. Subtraction counts that. An explanation that has been looked at and dropped is one you don't need to return to.
I Need Reassurance When Nothing Is Wrong is about the asking itself.