You found the counselor. You read the books and left one on their side of the bed. You start the hard conversations, and you end them too, usually by apologizing. They say things are fine. I changed a lot of myself for this and gave things up, and it still doesn't seem to count.
This page can't tell you whether your partner is trying. It can only look at your side.
01
What you do to keep it going
Take the trying apart into what it is made of.
You research. You plan the evening out. You watch their mood and adjust yours. You raise the problem, and when it goes badly you drop it and smooth things over. You change something about yourself and wait to see whether it was noticed.
People call you the one who cares more. That may be true. It may also be that you have been doing the caring for both of you for so long that there has been nothing left for them to do. I've been doing the feeling for the both of us for years, and I'm worn out from it.
There may be a cost on their side too. A partner who is always being worked on may start to feel that they are never fine as they are. And in some couples, the more one person reaches, the more the other holds back.
02
What the trying may be protecting
A layer down is what would be at risk if you stopped steering. Three rules can keep one person doing the work of two.
"If they didn't need me, why would I be here?"
Doing the work of the relationship may be what gives you a place in it. Under Needed, a relationship that ran well without your effort might not feel like yours.
Read about Needed →"I need to be chosen."
The trying may be how you stay picked. Under Chosen every repair is a way of being chosen again. Any complaint and my head goes straight to: this is it, they're leaving.
Read about Chosen →"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The trying may be how the house stays calm. Under Peace you fix things less for the relationship than because you can't rest while they are unhappy. Once I'm in it, I start dropping my own stuff to keep them happy.
Read about Peace →Other rules can do this too, and none of these three may fit.
03
What is under the rule
Each of these has a fear under it, and a partner who shrugs can bring it up.
Under Needed, the fear may be that without your usefulness there is no reason for you.
Under Chosen, the fear may be that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select.
Under Peace, the fear may be that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
What would answer them is being wanted and not required, belonging that isn't a competition, or being able to disappoint someone and still be alright. More effort does not supply any of the three. That may be part of why the effort has not felt like enough.
One thing has to be said before the questions. If you are trying this hard because you are afraid of what happens when you don't, that is a different situation from anything on this page.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
04
Two questions, in order
First. Would you rather be loved and unnecessary, or necessary and taken for granted?
Put it to this relationship. In one version your partner loves you plainly and the two of you run fine with no effort from you. In the other, everything depends on you and it goes unremarked. Choosing the first is the Chosen answer. Choosing the second is the Needed answer.
Second, whatever the first answer was. Would you rather have no conflict and be nobody's favorite, or be someone's favorite and have friction?
In this relationship that is a calm house where you are not especially chosen, or being clearly their favorite person with arguments that come with it. Taking the calm is the Peace answer. Taking the favorite, friction and all, is the Chosen answer.
This is subtraction in miniature. You are not looking for the explanation that sounds best. You are removing the ones that don't hold. If nothing moved, there is not enough to tell yet.
And sometimes it is exactly what it looks like. One person has stopped trying, and the other has not. That is information about the relationship, and no rule in you produced it.
05
One thing to try this week
For one week, don't start the repair. Don't raise it, don't plan the evening, don't check how they are with you. You can tell them first if you like. I'm going to stop steering for a week.
It is not a punishment and it is not a test of them. You are watching yourself.
Notice what you feel in the space where the effort usually goes, and write it down each night. Notice, too, whether they do anything with the room.
If the question underneath is whether to stay, that is When you want to leave but feel guilty.