You text first. You make the plan, pick the place, remember the birthday. If you stopped, you are fairly sure months would go by. You have tried it once or twice, and the silence was long. I'd reach for them and get nothing back.
Those feel alike from inside. They would be answered by different things.
01
What you do to keep it going
Look first at what the reaching out involves, and at what you do when it is not returned.
You write the message, rewrite it, and check whether it has been read. You organize the group and send the reminder. When someone finally says let's get together sometime, you are the one who names a date.
Sometimes you go quiet on purpose, to see who notices. Nobody knows they are being tested, so nobody passes.
People tell you that some friends just don't put in the effort, and that you ought to give back only what you get. That may be right about the friends. It leaves out what the reaching does for you, and why stopping feels so much worse than tired.
There may be a cost on their side. If one person always makes the plan, the others may never learn that it is their turn. Some of them may think of you as the organized one and nothing more complicated than that.
02
What the reaching may be protecting
One layer down is what you would lose if you stopped. Two rules can keep a person reaching.
"I need to be chosen."
Every reply may be a small sign of being picked. Under Chosen the trouble with stopping is finding out whether anyone would come looking. There's a voice that says I won't have enough to offer someone.
Read about Chosen →"If they didn't need me, why would I be here?"
Being the one who holds the group together may be your place in it. Under Needed the reaching is a role as much as a wish. I'm the one who shows up to help and fix. That's how I get close to people.
Read about Needed →Other rules can sit here as well. If you reach out mostly to make sure nobody is upset with you, Peace is the page to read.
03
What is under the rule
Further down, under either rule, may be a fear that makes a quiet phone mean so much.
Under Chosen, the fear may be that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select. A friend who never calls first can look like that.
Under Needed, the fear may be that without your usefulness there is no reason for you. A group that would meet without you organizing it can look like that.
What would answer the first is belonging that isn't a competition. What would answer the second is being wanted and not required.
04
One question that separates them
Would you rather be loved and unnecessary, or necessary and taken for granted?
Picture two friendships. In one, the friend loves you and would be fine if you never organized another thing. In the other, the friend depends on you for the organizing and never says thanks. If you would choose the first, that is the Chosen answer. If you would choose the second, that is the Needed answer.
If you can't choose, there is not enough to tell yet.
Some of this is not a rule. Friendships go lopsided for a while when someone has a new baby or a hard year. Some people are simply bad at starting things and are glad every time you do. And some friendships have ended without anyone saying so. That last one hurts, and it is not a fault in you.
What you are doing here is subtraction: keeping only what explains this moment and the others like it, at work, at home, and on the good days.
05
One thing to try this week
Choose one friend. In place of making the next plan, say the thing itself. I'd love to hear from you first sometimes. One sentence, said kindly, with no test attached.
Then see what they do with it. Notice what it was like to ask for that out loud.
Write it down before you decide what it means.
What reaching looks like when it turns into a chase is on Pursuing.