You want to tell them. It explains so much, and some of it involves them. I think a lot of what's wrong between us would ease up if I dealt with my own stuff first. You have started the conversation in your head several times. In one version they are moved. In another they say so it's my fault?
You also don't have to tell them at all.
01
What tends to happen
Sometimes it goes well, and they recognize it at once.
Sometimes they hear a complaint about themselves, even though you were describing yourself.
Sometimes they start using it, and tell you in the middle of a disagreement that it is your rule talking. That can sour quickly.
02
Three things to say
What you do, as a scene. For instance, that when they go quiet, you follow them from room to room.
What you think you may be protecting, in your own words. Keep it short and keep it about you.
What you are trying. One of your steps is enough, such as trying to notice when you start.
03
Three things to leave out
A rule for them. You may have a guess. A guess about someone else is still a guess, and it may be heard as an accusation. What a page can't tell you about yourself, you can't tell them about themselves.
Using it as a reason. A rule that was named explains a move. It does not excuse one.
Asking them to manage it. Catching it is your job. A partner who has been made the monitor has been given a part in the loop.
04
What it is and is not
A rule you have named for yourself is a working answer. It is not who you are, and it can turn out to need revising. Saying so when you tell them makes it easier for both of you. If you are not yet sure it fits, there may not be enough to tell, and it is fair to say that too.
05
When not to
If you have reason to be afraid of how they will react, this is not a conversation to practice.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
If what you have found is about a loop between the two of you, that is a different piece of work, and it involves both of you.
How two people's rules can meet is on Two Rules in One Relationship.