You got the offer you wanted, and the next week you missed two deadlines. The relationship was easy for once, and you picked a fight on the best weekend you'd had. You were finally getting somewhere, and you stopped showing up. Afterward you can't explain it, even to yourself. I can picture the life I want. Part of me doesn't think I've earned it.
Not every bad stretch is sabotage. Sometimes a thing ends because it was wrong for you, and sometimes it is plain bad luck.
01
What you do when it goes well
Look at when it happens.
It may not come when things are hard. It may come just after the good news: the promotion, the kind partner, the first month of the thing working. Then you are late, or careless, or sharp with someone who has done nothing.
When somebody's just kind and easy with me I lose interest, and I don't like that about myself. I'd leave, look around, and end up going back.
People call it self-sabotage, or fear of success. The first says you did it to yourself, and the second guesses at a reason. Neither says what a good thing asks of you that a bad one doesn't.
It may cost you the things you wanted most, since those are where it tends to show up. The people who offered them may conclude you did not want them.
02
What the wrecking may be protecting
A good thing is something you have been given, and something you could lose. Either can be the difficulty.
"I need to be chosen."
Going well may mean you were picked, and what is picked can be un-picked. Under Chosen, ending it yourself may hurt less than waiting to find out. There's a voice that says I haven't done enough yet for someone to really choose me.
Read about Chosen →"Asking creates a debt I don't want to carry."
Good things tend to come from people: the offer, the kindness, the chance. Under Burden, being given something may bring more discomfort than going without. Giving is easy for me. Being the one who gets celebrated makes me uncomfortable.
Read about Burden →These two are not the whole list, and neither may be yours.
03
What is under the rule
Under Chosen, the fear may be that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select. A good thing can raise the question of whether you will stay selected.
Under Burden, the fear may be that your needs make you too much, and too much gets left. A good thing can mean having received, and now owing.
What would answer the first is belonging that isn't competitive. What would answer the second is being able to receive without owing. More willpower answers neither.
04
One question that separates them
When you picture them leaving, is it because you weren't enough, or because you were too much?
Ask it about whoever gave you the good thing: the employer, the partner, the friend. Not enough is the Chosen answer. Too much is the Burden answer.
If you can't picture either, that counts. Not enough to tell is a result.
Some of what gets called sabotage is something else. Leaving a job that looked good and felt wrong is judgment. So is ending something that was easy but not what you wanted. What to look for is whether it keeps happening to things you did want.
Subtraction is the process this question comes from. You take away the explanation the evidence doesn't support and look again at what remains.
05
One thing to try this week
List the last three good things that went wrong after they had been going well.
Next to each, write what had happened in the week before it turned. A kind word, an offer, a step closer, a favor.
Read the three together and see whether the same kind of moment comes just before each one.
A small, daily form of this is on I Can't Take a Compliment.
Watch 0:53Common questions
Why do I ruin things when they're going well?
A good thing is something you were given and something you could lose, and either can be the hard part.
Is self-sabotage fear of success?
“Fear of success” guesses at a reason. The page looks at what a good thing asks of you that a bad one doesn't.
How do I notice it?
List the last three good things that went wrong, and what happened the week before each one turned.