Someone tells you the presentation was excellent. Before they have finished you are saying it was nothing, the team did most of it, and slide six had a mistake. They look a little surprised. You change the subject. Later you wonder why two kind sentences were so hard to listen to. I don't take enough time to really give myself credit.
Modesty is not a problem, and in many families and cultures it is simply good manners.
01
What you do with praise
There may be a routine to it.
You shrink it: it was nothing. You pass it on: the others did the work. You correct it: you point out the flaw they missed. Or you return one at once.
What you rarely do is let it stand.
People call this humility, or low self-esteem. One is the kind word for it and the other the unkind one, and neither says why praise in particular is hard.
It can cost the person who said it. A compliment that gets argued with may not be offered again. And it may cost you information. You may not know what people value in you, because you have not let them finish.
02
What the deflecting may be protecting
"Asking creates a debt I don't want to carry."
Praise is something given. Under Burden, being given anything can leave you owing, and deflecting may be a way of handing it back before the debt exists.
Read about Burden →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The praise may be fine and the source may be wrong. Under Approval, there is one person whose opinion would count, and a compliment from anyone else may only point out that it was not theirs. The only time I got anything that sounded like proud was after I'd done something huge.
Read about Approval →Other rules can make praise uncomfortable. Under Output, where the fear is that without achievement you don't matter, an accomplishment can be hard to enjoy. It may also be no rule.
03
What is under the rule
Under Burden, the fear may be that your needs make you too much, and too much gets left. What would answer it is being able to receive without owing.
Under Approval, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. What would answer it is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification.
More compliments answer neither. Under the first they may add to what is owed, and under the second they come from the wrong place.
04
One question that separates them
When someone praises you, is the trouble that you now owe them, or that it didn't come from the one person who counts?
I owe them is the Burden answer. Not the one person is the Approval answer.
If it is neither, or you can't tell, that is a result. Not enough to tell is allowed.
Some discomfort with praise is not a rule. Flattery that wants something from you is worth being wary of. Praise for the wrong thing can be awkward for anyone. And a quiet thanks with nothing more said is not deflecting.
Crossing one of these off is what subtraction is for. It narrows where to look.
05
One thing to try this week
The next time someone says something kind about you or your work, say thank you and stop.
Count to three before you say anything else.
Afterward, write down what you had wanted to add. The sentence you held back may point toward one of the two, or toward neither.
The larger version of this, wanting to be noticed and avoiding it when you are, is on I Want to Be Seen but I Hide.