The dishwasher was loaded wrong, and you heard yourself shouting. Ten minutes later you were ashamed, and the person you shouted at was in another room. You know it was not about the dishwasher. You could not say what it was about. There's a lot built up by now. Anger, resentment, all of it, from being the one out front for so long.
Everyone has a short day now and then. This page is about when it keeps happening and the size never fits.
One limit first. If the anger has turned into threats, or into hurting someone, that is past what this page covers, and licensed mental-health care is the right door. And if someone else's anger is what you live with, this page is not for that either.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
01
What you do before the explosion
The shouting is the part everyone sees. What came before it may matter more.
For days or weeks you may have been agreeable. You said yes, you let things pass, you did not mention what bothered you. Or you kept an even face through a hard stretch and told nobody. Or you worked without a break and treated being tired as something to push through.
Then something small happens, and all of it may arrive at once.
Afterward comes the shame, and often a stretch of being extra careful, which may be where the next one starts.
People call it a short fuse, or anger issues. Both describe the last ten seconds.
Some of the cost may be other people's. The people around you may start being careful with you, and stop telling you small things. On your side, each time may look like one more reason to keep your feelings in.
02
What the holding-in may be protecting
"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
You may have been letting every small objection go so that nobody would be upset. Under Peace, the limit may only show up at the far end, after a long time of going along. There's resentment under there that I've been too afraid to say out loud.
Read about Peace →"Strong is the only version of me they know."
You may have been showing nobody how hard things were. Under Strong, the composure can last until a small thing gets past it. I go find somewhere nobody can see me, fall apart, then walk back in and go on like normal.
Read about Strong →"If I'm not producing, I don't know who I am."
You may not have stopped in weeks. Under Output, the small thing may simply be whatever got in the way when you had nothing left. By the end of the day I've got nothing left, and I get up the next morning and do it again.
Read about Output →These are three of several, and none may be yours.
03
What is under the rule
Under Peace, the fear may be that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong. What would answer it is being able to disappoint someone and still be alright.
Under Strong, the fear may be that if they see you struggle, you lose the only standing you have. What would answer it is being seen at less than full capacity and still being held.
Under Output, the fear may be that without achievement you don't matter. What would answer it is worth that doesn't require performance.
Trying harder to stay calm answers none of the three. It may add to what is being held.
04
Three questions, in order
First, for Peace against Strong. Protecting them, or protecting yourself?
Ask it about what you were holding in before the last one. If you kept quiet so that they would not be upset, that is the Peace answer. If it was for your own sake, that leaves Strong or Burden, and a different question separates those two: if someone helped you and literally nobody would ever know, would you accept? Yes is the Strong answer. Still no is the Burden answer.
Second, for Output against Strong. Which is harder: having nothing to show, or being seen struggling to get it done?
Nothing to show is the Output answer. Being seen struggling is the Strong answer.
Third, for Output against Peace. If you stopped and nobody was upset at all, would you be alright?
Yes is the Peace answer. No, it is the stopping, is the Output answer.
If the answers point nowhere, there is not enough to tell yet. That counts.
Some anger is simply correct. Being treated unfairly, or being ignored after asking plainly more than once, is a reason to be angry, and the size may fit. Being short on sleep or in pain can make anyone shorter with people, and a doctor is the right person for that.
Subtraction is why there are three questions. Each takes one explanation away, and you keep going until nothing more comes off.
05
One thing to try this week
After the next time, when you are calm, write down the two days before it.
List what you agreed to that you did not want, what you kept to yourself, and when you last stopped.
Don't draw a conclusion yet. One list is one list. Keep it and see whether the next one looks the same.
What the holding-in looks like while it is still quiet is on I Go Quiet When I'm Angry.