You are in the shower, and you are in an argument with a colleague. They say the thing you expect them to say, and you answer it perfectly. You run it again with a sharper answer. By the time you get to work you are already irritated with them, and they have not said a word. Before I bring anything up, I've already run through how they'll take it.
Thinking through a hard conversation you really plan to have is sensible. This page is about the ones that never take place.
01
What you do in the rehearsal
It may happen in the same places: the shower, the car, the hour before sleep.
You supply what they say as well as what you say. They are usually at their worst. You try out replies until one is unanswerable. Sometimes you are defending yourself, and sometimes you are finding the wording that will keep them calm.
Then the real conversation either doesn't happen or goes nothing like the one you practiced.
People call it overthinking, or having imaginary fights.
It can cost you hours. It may also cost the other person, who meets you already braced for something they never said.
02
What the rehearsing may be protecting
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
The rehearsal may be for getting your side exactly right. Under Right, an argument you are not ready for is one you could lose, and losing it may say more than it ought to.
Read about Right →"Stillness is where it catches me."
The rehearsal may be preparation. Under Ahead, the point is not to win. It is never to be surprised. Before anything's even happened I've decided they're going to do me wrong, so I'd better be ready.
Read about Ahead →"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The rehearsal may be a search for the version in which nobody gets upset. I put off a hard conversation because I was sure they wouldn't accept it. Not having it made everything worse.
Read about Peace →There are others, and it may be none of these.
03
What is under the rule
Under Right, the fear may be that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. What would answer it is being able to remain yourself while someone thinks you are wrong.
Under Ahead, the fear may be that if you stop managing, something goes wrong again. What would answer it is safety that doesn't require vigilance.
Under Peace, the fear may be that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong. What would answer it is being able to disappoint someone and still be alright.
Being better prepared answers none of the three.
04
Three questions, in order
First, for Right and Ahead. A small correction in a meeting. Is the sting about being wrong, or about not having seen it coming?
Being wrong is the Right answer. Not having seen it coming is the Ahead answer.
Second, for Peace and Right. Say you were right and they were upset anyway. Is that alright?
No, the upset is what counts, is the Peace answer. Yes, being right settles it, is the Right answer.
Third, for Peace and Ahead. Are you watching for someone getting upset, or for something going wrong?
Someone getting upset is the Peace answer. Something going wrong is the Ahead answer.
If none of the three moves anything, there is not enough to tell yet. That is a result.
Some rehearsing is just preparation. Before a negotiation, or a conversation you have decided to have, it is a good use of an hour. What to look at is how many of the arguments ever happen. And if you rehearse because you have reason to fear someone's reaction, that is accurate, and none of this page applies.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
Three questions is subtraction taking its time. Each answer removes one possibility, and you stop when nothing more comes off.
05
One thing to try this week
The next time you catch a rehearsal, write down the first thing you had the other person say.
A week later, write beside it what they actually said, or that the conversation never took place.
The wider habit of handling things before they happen is on Pre-Empting.