You left the dinner at ten. By eleven you have replayed one sentence nine times: the joke nobody laughed at, the thing you said about their job. You write a text to explain what you meant and delete it. In the morning you ask a friend whether you were weird last night. Oh my god, what did I do?
Thinking back over an evening is ordinary. This page is about when the replay takes the rest of the night.
01
What you do afterward
It may begin on the way home.
You go through what you said, line by line. One sentence gets picked out and run again. You imagine what they made of it. You consider sending something to fix it, and sometimes you do.
The next invitation may be harder to accept.
People call it overthinking, or being self-conscious. I'm definitely an overthinker.
It can cost you the evening twice, once to live it and once to review it. The friends who get the clarifying texts may be puzzled, having noticed nothing.
02
What the replay may be looking for
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
The replay may be hunting for the error. Under Right, the question is what you got wrong, and it may not matter much who was there.
Read about Right →"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The replay may be checking whether anyone is upset. Under Peace, the sentence matters for what it might have done to someone's mood. If somebody seems off with me, my first thought is that I caused it.
Read about Peace →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The replay may be about one person. Under Approval, most of the table hardly counts, and the whole review is of what one of them saw. The way one person words things puts pressure and guilt on me, even when they don't mean it to.
Read about Approval →These are three of several, and it may be none of them.
03
What is under the rule
Under Right, the fear may be that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. What would answer it is being able to remain yourself while someone thinks you are wrong.
Under Peace, the fear may be that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong. What would answer it is being able to disappoint someone and still be alright.
Under Approval, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. What would answer it is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification.
Finding the bad sentence answers none of them. There is always another one to find.
04
Three questions, in order
First, for Right and Approval. Does it matter less if the person correcting you is someone you don't respect?
Yes, much less is the Approval answer. No, wrong is wrong whoever says it, is the Right answer.
Second, for Peace and Right. Say you were right and they were upset anyway. Is that alright?
No, the upset is what counts, is the Peace answer. Yes, being right settles it, is the Right answer.
Third, for Peace and Approval. Is it anyone being upset with you, or one person's verdict?
Anyone is the Peace answer. One person, someone you can name, is the Approval answer.
If the three leave you where you started, there is not enough to tell, and that counts.
Sometimes the replay is right. You did say something unkind, and it needs to be put right. One apology for one real thing is not a rule. What to look at is how often the replay finds nothing and runs anyway.
Sorting these is subtraction. The questions are asked so that something can be crossed off.
05
One thing to try this week
After the next conversation you find yourself replaying, write down the one sentence you keep going back to.
Under it, finish this line: I'm afraid it showed that.
Don't send anything to anyone. Keep the page.
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