They asked whether you could move the meeting. You sent four paragraphs: why you couldn't, what you had tried, how sorry you were, and two other times. They wrote back ok no problem. You read your own message again and wished it had been one line. When somebody takes me the wrong way, I jump in to explain and say I'm sorry.
Giving a reason is courteous, and some situations do call for a full account.
01
What it looks like
A no comes with a history. A yes comes with conditions and context.
You answer questions nobody asked, to head them off. You add does that make sense? at the end. You follow a message with a second message explaining the first.
In person it can sound like talking past the point where the other person nodded.
Afterward you may feel exposed, as if you had said too much, and resolve to be brief next time.
02
What it protects
In each case below, the extra words may be closing a gap: the space in which someone could draw their own conclusion.
Which conclusion you are heading off is not something the long message shows.
03
The rules it can serve, and what is under each
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
The explanation may be there so that you can't be found wrong. Every objection is answered in advance. Under it, the fear may be that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about.
Read about Right →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The explanation may be for one reader. You may be trying to be understood by a person who has not understood you yet. Under it, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. When I say something I'm good at, I rush to add that I'm not bragging.
Read about Approval →"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The explanation may be there so that nobody is upset. The reasons soften the no. Under it, the fear may be that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
Read about Peace →These three are not the only rules that can sit under a long message, and none may be yours.
04
What it buys and what it costs
It buys cover. Few people can say you didn't explain.
For you, the cost may be time, and a message that says less the longer it gets. A no with four paragraphs can read as a maybe. For the reader, it may be work. Some may start skimming what you send.
05
How to tell which rule is under it
There are three questions, one for each pair.
Right or Approval: does it matter less if the person correcting you is someone you don't respect? Yes, much less is the Approval answer. No, wrong is wrong whoever says it, is the Right answer.
Peace or Right: say you were right and they were upset anyway. Is that alright? No, the upset is what counts, is the Peace answer. Yes, being right settles it, is the Right answer.
Peace or Approval: is it anyone being upset with you, or one person's verdict? Anyone is the Peace answer. One person, someone you can name, is the Approval answer.
If none of them sorts it, there is not enough to tell yet. That is a result.
Two things are not this strategy. Some jobs require the full reasoning in writing, and giving it is the job. And if you explain yourself at length because a partner demands to know where you were and who you saw, that is not over-explaining.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
Each question is a step in subtraction. It is asked in order to rule something out.
What the same habit looks like after the conversation ends is on I Overthink Every Conversation After It Ends.