You came home from dinner and went back over your performance. Which stories landed. Whether you talked too much. Whether they liked you. It was supposed to be a relaxed evening with people who already know you, and you are worn out. I want to stop putting on a show for everybody.
It is hard to see from outside, because what people often see is someone charming.
This is one shape of a wider pattern. The fuller picture is here: why do I need everyone to like me.
01
What it looks like
You prepare. You have the anecdote ready, the good news, the question that will make them feel interesting.
During, part of you is watching. You track how it is going and adjust. If people seem less interested, you try harder.
Afterward comes the review. You replay it, and what you are scoring is yourself.
It happens on dates and in interviews, where some of it is expected. It may also happen with your oldest friends, your in-laws, and your own family.
02
What it protects
Across the rules below, it may keep you from finding out what happens if you show up with nothing prepared.
Who the performance is for is the part the behavior can't tell you.
03
The rules it can serve, and what is under each
"I need to be chosen."
The tryout may be for whoever is in the room. Under it, the fear may be that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select. There's plenty I do well. I just don't think I add up to what they deserve.
Read about Chosen →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The tryout may be for one person, even when they are not present. Under it, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. For years, most of what I did was to prove something to my family.
Read about Approval →"If I'm not producing, I don't know who I am."
It may not be for anyone. Doing well at the evening may simply be one more thing to do well. Under it, the fear may be that without achievement you don't matter.
Read about Output →These are not the only rules that can sit under performing, and none of them may be yours.
04
What it buys and what it costs
It buys a lot. You are often good company. People may well pick you, hire you, invite you back.
For you, the cost may be that none of it settles anything. What got picked was the performance, so the next evening is another tryout.
For the people across the table, there can be a cost as well. Someone who is being impressed may not be getting known. And some people can tell.
05
How to tell which rule is under it
There are three questions here, one for each pair.
Chosen or Approval: is there one specific person whose verdict runs this, or is it anyone who might pick you? Anyone is the Chosen answer. One person, someone you can name, is the Approval answer.
Output or Approval: if nobody ever found out you'd done it, would you still have done it? Yes, and you still couldn't stop, is the Output answer. If the point drains out of it, that is the Approval answer.
Chosen or Output: which is worse, having nothing to show, or having plenty to show and still being passed over? Nothing to show is the Output answer. Passed over is the Chosen answer.
If none of it moves anything, there is not enough to tell yet. That is a result.
One thing is not this strategy. Wanting to make a good impression on someone new is ordinary. What to look at is cost, and whether you can spend an evening with people who already like you without scoring it afterward.
Ruling one of these out is the point. That is how subtraction works: take away what doesn't account for the evidence, and see what is left.
What it is like when the performance changes with every audience is on I Change Who I Am Depending on Who I'm With.
Performing and proving
Performing and proving is achieving to be seen achieving, and four different rules can produce it, which may be why a result can land and still feel strangely flat.