It was years ago, and you can still recite it. What they did, what they said afterward, what they never said. People tell you to let it go for your own sake. You have tried, and it comes back in the car, in the shower, at two in the morning. I tell myself I let it go. I'm not sure I ever actually moved on.
Nothing on this page says you owe anyone forgiveness. Some things are not forgiven, and that can be a sound decision.
If what they did was abuse, this page is not the place for it, and licensed mental-health care is the right door.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
01
What you do with it
The grievance may get a good deal of your time.
You go over it. You improve your side of the conversation. You notice when they are doing well, and it bothers you. When someone suggests there were two sides, you feel heat and explain again.
You may have forgiven other people for worse. That can be the confusing part.
People say that holding on only hurts you. That may be so, and hearing it has not loosened anything, which suggests the holding on may be doing something for you.
The cost may be the hours. It may also be that this person still has a place in your day that they no longer have in your life.
02
What the grievance may be holding
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
Forgiving may feel like conceding. Under Right, letting it go can seem to say that they had a point, or that you were wrong to be hurt. What gets me is when someone who knows I meant well treats me like I didn't.
Read about Right →"I need to be chosen."
What they did may have said you were not the one they picked. Under Chosen, the grievance may be keeping that from being final. I feel a little pushed to the outside of my own family lately.
Read about Chosen →There are other possibilities, and it may be no rule at all. A serious wrong can simply stay unforgiven.
03
What is under the rule
Under Right, the fear may be that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. What would answer it is being able to remain yourself while someone thinks you are wrong.
Under Chosen, the fear may be that if you are not selected, you were not enough to select. What would answer it is belonging that isn't competitive.
An apology from them would not fully answer either. It might help. It would still leave the matter up to them.
04
One question that separates them
Which stings more: that you weren't the one they chose, or that you were wrong about them?
Not the one they chose is the Chosen answer. Wrong about them is the Right answer.
If what they did had nothing to do with choosing, the question may not fit, and then there is not enough to tell from it. That is a result.
Not forgiving is not always a rule. If they have never admitted it, or are still doing it, your position may be simple accuracy. What to look at is cost, and whether the grievance takes more of your week than you want to give it.
In subtraction a question is useful when it removes something. If this one removed nothing, it can be set aside, and you still know what you knew.
05
One thing to try this week
Write the one sentence you would most want to hear from them.
Read it back. See whether it is closer to them saying you were right, or closer to them saying you were the one they chose.
Nothing has to be sent or decided. The sentence is for you.
What this can look like in the first weeks after a betrayal is on After Being Cheated On.