The argument is about what was said on Tuesday. You remember it exactly, and you say so. You are right about the words. Your partner goes quiet, and you notice that being right has not made the evening any better. Later they tell you that something you did hurt them, and you hear yourself explaining why it was reasonable. I think I'm right a lot of the time, and that might be what gets in my way.
In relationships the Right rule often looks like arguments about who is correct, where being told you got it wrong feels like more than a disagreement. Couples disagree, and caring about what is true is not a fault. That may be all there is to it.
01
What you do in a relationship
Tuesday's argument may have a familiar pattern.
You correct details in the middle of their story. You go over a disagreement in advance, with your points in order. When they say you got something wrong, you answer at length. An apology, when it comes, tends to have a but in it.
Sometimes you check what they told you, even when they know the subject well. They tell me something they know cold, and I still go double-check it.
And when they bring you a hurt, it can turn into something you have to defend against. They tell me something hurt and what I hear is criticism. Then I'm defending myself and it's about me now.
02
What it costs
Your partner may stop bringing things to you. If each small complaint becomes a debate, saying nothing can start to seem easier.
You may end up correct and far apart. The facts were on your side, and the evening was lost anyway.
And you may be carrying more than they know. Getting it right every time is a lot of work, and nobody sees the rehearsing.
03
The rule this may be
What the arguing may be protecting is this.
What it says will happen
If I'm wrong about this, it won't be something I did. It'll be something I am. "Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
That is the Right rule. Under it, you got that wrong from a partner may not be a comment on one thing you did. It can sound like a statement about what you are.
The fear under it is that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. With a partner that question can spread far, because a partner may have seen more of you than most people have.
What would answer the fear is being able to remain yourself while someone thinks you are wrong. A partner who believes you got it wrong, tells you, and is warm with you at dinner all the same.
04
What else it could be
The explaining may be about ending their upset. Say you were right and they were upset anyway. Is that alright? No, the upset is what counts, is the Peace answer. Yes, being right settles it, is the Right answer. How the Peace rule shows up in relationships covers that one.
Read about Peace →It may only happen with this one person. Does it matter less if the person correcting you is someone you don't respect? Yes, much less is the Approval answer. No, wrong is wrong whoever says it, is the Right answer.
Read about Approval →The rehearsing may be about managing how things turn out. Control the outcome, or avoid being wrong? Control the outcome is the Ahead answer. Avoid being wrong is the Right answer.
Read about Ahead →The correcting may be about your place in how things get done. Which stings more: that they did it without you, or that they did it wrong? Without you is the Needed answer. Wrong is the Right answer.
Read about Needed →Not every argument over facts is a rule. Facts do matter in a shared life, and wanting to agree on what was said about money or plans is ordinary. The check is whether the reaction is in proportion outside those matters, when the fact in question is what was said on Tuesday. And if a partner keeps telling you that what you remember did not happen, until you doubt your own mind, none of this page applies.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
It may be that none of the four fits. Subtraction is patient about that. It would sooner leave the question open than keep an explanation the evidence doesn't support.
How one argument can keep coming back is on Why the Same Fight Keeps Happening.