People say you have high standards. One or two have said you always have to be right. You have been called thorough and you have been called difficult, sometimes about the same piece of work. From the inside it does not feel like confidence. I can be really good at something and still not believe I'm doing it right.
The Right rule gets mistaken for high standards, for arrogance, and for three other rules that argue and double-check for different reasons. They look alike from outside and respond to different things, so it helps to sort them.
01
One long reply, four reasons
Take one email. Someone questioned a decision of yours in two lines, and you answered in four paragraphs.
Under Right, you may have written them because being wrong about this would say something about you.
Under Ahead, because you had not seen the question coming, and the reply was a way of getting covered after the fact.
Under Approval, because of who asked.
Under Peace, because they sounded annoyed, and you wanted them not to be.
The four replies could be word for word the same. A reply shows the strategy and not the reason, so you don't have to justify everything may reach none of the four.
02
What is under each one
Under the four replies are four different fears.
Right says: if I'm wrong about this, it won't be something I did. It'll be something I am. "Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict." The fear is that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about.
Ahead: the fear is that if you stop managing, something goes wrong again.
Approval: the fear is that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth.
Peace: the fear is that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong.
03
The questions that separate them
Right or Ahead: a small correction in a meeting. Is the sting about being wrong, or about not having seen it coming? Being wrong is Right. Not having seen it coming is Ahead.
Right or Approval: does it matter less if the person correcting you is someone you don't respect? No, wrong is wrong whoever says it, is Right. Yes, much less is Approval.
Right or Peace: say you were right and they were upset anyway. Is that alright? Yes, being right settles it, is Right. No, the upset is what counts, is Peace.
There are more than four. Needed can be under correcting people too. Which stings more: that they did it without you, or that they did it wrong? Wrong is Right. Without you is Needed.
More than one may apply, or none may. Subtraction is the reason these are questions and not descriptions. A description invites you to agree, and a question can come back with no.
04
Mistaken in the other direction
Other people may misjudge it too.
Some may take it for arrogance. From outside, someone who argues every point can look certain. Inside, it may be closer to the opposite.
Some may take it as not listening, and stop bringing you their view.
Your own words may be thorough, or careful, and both are true. You do catch errors. What those words leave out is what a small error may do to you.
05
What is not a rule at all
High standards are not the rule. In a field where precision really matters, care is the work. The check is whether the reaction is in proportion outside that field.
Being right and saying so is not the rule either. Some people argue a point hard, lose it, and are fine by lunch.
And if you saw nothing of yourself in the four reasons, that is a result. It is one place you no longer need to look.
Over-Explaining covers explaining at length as a strategy and the rules that can be under it.