You are at the table with people you love, and you are working out Thursday. On the walk you are drafting an email. During the movie you are planning the drive home. Someone asks what you think, and you have to ask them to say it again. My mind is constantly going, going, going.
Planning is useful, and many people enjoy it. This page is about not being able to stop when you want to.
01
What you do when you stop being here
You don't go anywhere, and you are not there.
It may happen most in the good moments: dinner, a day off, a quiet morning. Your attention moves to what is coming and starts arranging it. Sometimes it is logistics. Sometimes it is a conversation, and how the other person will take it.
You come back when someone says your name. You may feel a flash of irritation at being interrupted, and then regret.
People tell you to be present, or to try mindfulness. Both describe where they want you to be, and not why you keep leaving.
It can cost you the parts of life that were supposed to be the reward. The people at the table may come to feel that they are less interesting than Thursday.
02
What the planning may be protecting
"Stillness is where it catches me."
The planning may be watchfulness. Under Ahead, a moment with nothing to manage is a moment when something could be missed, so your attention goes looking for the next thing to manage. I don't want to walk into anything blind. I want all of it on the table first so nothing surprises me later.
Read about Ahead →"If everyone is okay, then I'm okay."
The planning may be about people. Under Peace, what you are arranging ahead of time may be other people's reactions, so that nobody ends up upset.
Read about Peace →There are other possibilities, and it may be neither.
03
What is under the rule
Under Ahead, the fear may be that if you stop managing, something goes wrong again. What would answer it is safety that doesn't require vigilance.
Under Peace, the fear may be that someone's disappointment means you did something wrong. What would answer it is being able to disappoint someone and still be alright.
A better plan answers neither. However good it is, there is another day after it.
04
One question that separates them
Are you watching for someone getting upset, or for something going wrong?
Someone getting upset is the Peace answer. Something going wrong is the Ahead answer.
If it is neither, or both on different days, there is not enough to tell yet. That is allowed.
Some planning is just the job. A week with a move in it, or a sick relative, needs thinking through. For Ahead, the check is whether the watching continues when things are stable. For Peace, the check is whether it happens with people who have never been angry with you.
What you are doing with that question is subtraction. It asks what can be ruled out, and it is content with a small answer.
05
One thing to try this week
Pick one meal this week.
Each time you notice you have left it for the future, write one word for what you were planning around: a person's name, or an event.
At the end of the meal, count the names and count the events.
How planning ahead works as a strategy is on Pre-Empting.