You drive over twice a week now. You handle the appointments, the paperwork, the groceries. The rest of the family says to let them know if they can do anything. You have not let them know. On the way home you are too tired to turn on the radio. I feel so obligated to help.
Taking care of a parent is love and duty, and most of what you are doing needs no other explanation.
01
What you do as their caregiver
The care is real. The way it is arranged may be worth a look.
You do it yourself. Paid help seems wrong, or not good enough. Help from relatives would need explaining, and it is quicker not to.
You may be more patient with them than with anyone, and then short with everyone else. You may still watch their face for a sign that you are doing it well.
People tell you that you are a good son or daughter.
It can cost you your own household, your work, and your health, and that last one belongs with a doctor. It may also cost your parent, if the person caring for them is worn out.
02
What may be mixed in with the care
"If they didn't need me, why would I be here?"
Being the one they rely on may matter a great deal. Under Needed, sharing the care can feel like giving up your place. I love taking care of people. I just have nothing left by the end of the day.
Read about Needed →"Asking creates a debt I don't want to carry."
Taking help may be the hard part. Under Burden, asking a relative to cover a week creates a debt, and doing it all yourself keeps you owing nothing. I could just do it myself, I'll be all right.
Read about Burden →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The parent may be the one person whose approval you are still working for. Under Approval, the care may carry a hope of hearing something from them. More was expected of me than of the others because I was the capable one. When I did well nobody said well done, it went straight to what was still missing.
Read about Approval →These are three of several, and it may be none of them.
03
What is under the rule
Under Needed, the fear may be that without your usefulness there is no reason for you. What would answer it is being wanted rather than required.
Under Burden, the fear may be that your needs make you too much, and too much gets left. What would answer it is being able to receive without owing.
Under Approval, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. What would answer it is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification.
04
Three questions, in order
First, for Needed and Burden. When someone offers to help you, what is the first thought?
They shouldn't have to is the Needed answer. Now I owe them is the Burden answer. These two often run together.
Second, for Needed and Approval. Which would be harder to lose: being needed, or one person's good opinion of you?
Being needed is the Needed answer. One person's opinion is the Approval answer.
Third, for Burden and Approval. When someone praises you, is the trouble that you now owe them, or that it didn't come from the one person who counts?
I owe them is the Burden answer. Not the one person is the Approval answer.
If none of the three moves anything, there is not enough to tell yet. That counts.
Most caregiving is not a rule. If nobody else is available, the care falls to you, and no rule is needed to explain that. Being tired from it is not a rule either, and if you are worn down, licensed mental-health care is the right door.If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
Each question is one step of subtraction. It can remove one of the things that may be mixed in, and it leaves the care itself alone.
05
One thing to try this week
The next time someone asks how your parent is doing, notice whether you also say how you are doing.
That evening, write down what you said about each of you.
Do it for a week and read the lines together.
How caring for others works as a strategy is on Caretaking.