You approved payroll from the school parking lot. You answered a client while stirring dinner. You know when the dog is due at the vet and when the quarterly filing is. Nobody asked you to hold all of it, and you are not sure anyone else could. I am everybody's go-to for everything.
Sometimes the load really is unfairly divided, and that is a fact about the household and not about you.
01
What you do with the load
You may be doing nearly all of it.
Everything goes through you: the calendar, the money, the staff, the meals. You know where things are and what is due. You do most of it well, and you do it tired.
When someone offers help, you explain how to do it, watch them start, and finish it yourself.
Time off rarely happens.
People call you a machine, and mean it kindly.
It can cost you your health, and it belongs with a doctor if it already has. It may also keep the people around you from learning the parts, so that the load can only ever be yours.
02
What keeps the load with you
"If I'm not producing, I don't know who I am."
Getting it all done may be how you count. Under Output, handing some of it off means a day with less to show. I'm always doing three things at once, and I get told to slow down and focus.
Read about Output →"If they didn't need me, why would I be here?"
Being asked may matter more than the tasks do. Under Needed, a household and a business that managed without you can leave you unsure what you are there for. Everyone assumes I have the room for it, so I'm the one who gets asked.
Read about Needed →"Stillness is where it catches me."
Holding it all may be how you know nothing has been dropped. Under Ahead, anything you are not holding is something that could go wrong.
Read about Ahead →These three are not the whole list, and it may be none of them.
03
What is under the rule
Under Output, the fear may be that without achievement you don't matter. What would answer it is worth that doesn't require performance.
Under Needed, the fear may be that without your usefulness there is no reason for you. What would answer it is being wanted rather than required.
Under Ahead, the fear may be that if you stop managing, something goes wrong again. What would answer it is safety that doesn't require vigilance.
04
Three questions, in order
First, for Needed and Output. Who's it for?
If the work only matters because someone needs it, that is the Needed answer. If it would have to be done even if nobody needed it, that is the Output answer.
Second, for Output and Ahead. Is the problem that you're not producing, or that you're not covered?
Not producing is the Output answer. Not covered is the Ahead answer.
Third, for Needed and Ahead. Do you step in because they need you, or because something might go wrong if you don't?
They need me is the Needed answer. Something might go wrong is the Ahead answer.
If none of them sorts it, there is not enough to tell yet, and that counts.
Much of this may not be a rule. If there is no one else to do it, you are doing what has to be done. If the other adults could help and don't, that is a conversation, and it may be an overdue one. Effort alone is not the Output rule.
The three questions are subtraction. Each removes one reason the load might be staying where it is.
05
One thing to try this week
Write a list of everything you handled yesterday.
Mark each item: only you could have done it, or someone else could have.
Pick one of the second kind and write down what stops you from handing it over.
The same thing at work alone is on When You're the Boss and Can't Delegate.