Something happened today, and you picked up the phone and went through the names. There are plenty of them. You could not find one you would call with this. You put the phone down and dealt with it yourself, as usual. I was pretty much on my own.
Sometimes a person really is alone, after a move or a loss, through nothing they did, and that is a fact and not a pattern.
If tonight is a night when you need someone and there is no one, licensed mental-health care is the right door.If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
01
What you do when you need someone
The list of names may be long. The trouble may be what each name knows.
You are friendly with many people. You help them move, listen to their troubles, show up. Very few of them have seen you on a bad day, and none has been asked for much.
When something goes wrong, you sort through who you could call and find a reason against each one. Too busy. Not close enough. It would be strange after all this time.
So you manage alone, and the list stays as it is.
People think of you as independent, or as someone with a lot of friends.
The cost is the one you met today. It may also be a cost to the people on the list, some of whom may have wanted to be called.
02
What the not-calling may be protecting
"Asking creates a debt I don't want to carry."
Calling is asking. Under Burden, needing someone at ten at night puts a weight on them and a debt on you. I decided early on I was never going to rely on anyone for anything.
Read about Burden →"Strong is the only version of me they know."
Calling is being seen. Under Strong, the people on the list know one version of you, and this call would show them another. There's a whole part of my life I don't bring up with friends. I never know what I'd say.
Read about Strong →These are two of several, and it may be neither.
03
What is under the rule
Under Burden, the fear may be that your needs make you too much, and too much gets left. What would answer it is being able to receive without owing.
Under Strong, the fear may be that if they see you struggle, you lose the only standing you have. What would answer it is being seen at less than full capacity and still being held.
04
One question that separates them
If someone helped you and literally nobody would ever know, would you accept?
Yes is the Strong answer. Still no is the Burden answer.
If there is truly no one who could have helped, the question does not apply, and there is not enough to tell. That is a result.
Not all aloneness is a rule. People lose their circle to a move, a divorce, a death, or years of long hours, and rebuilding it takes time. Preferring to handle things yourself, and feeling fine about it, is not a rule either. For Burden, what to look at is whether there is shame at the moment of needing. For Strong, what to look at is cost.
That question is the smallest piece of subtraction. It removes one explanation, when the answer is clear.
05
One thing to try this week
Think of the last time you asked anyone for anything, however small.
Write down what it was, who you asked, and what happened.
If it was a long time ago, write how long.
What can ease the asking is on What Loosens the Burden Rule.