You are calm in rooms where nobody else is. You go from one person's worst day to the next and eat standing up. At home someone asks how your shift was and you say fine, busy. On your day off you take a neighbor to an appointment. Sometimes I just say I'm okay because it's simpler.
What the work asks of you is real, and this page does not treat doing your job well as a problem.
Work like this can leave a person carrying things that need more than a page. If that is where you are, licensed mental-health care is the right door.If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
01
What you do off shift
On shift, steadiness and usefulness are skills.
Off shift, they may keep going. You are the one the family calls. You notice who needs something at a party. You don't mention the call that stayed with you, because the people at home did not sign up for it.
Rest may feel strange. A day with nobody to help can be harder than a double.
People call you a hero, which can make it harder to say you are tired.
The cost may be that nobody takes care of the person who takes care of everyone. It can also cost something at home, where you may be present and still on duty.
02
What may be hard to put down
"Strong is the only version of me they know."
The steadiness may not switch off. Under Strong, the calm you bring to work may be the only side of you most people have met, and you may keep it up at home. People who know me would say I'm sure of myself. I don't feel that way inside.
Read about Strong →"If they didn't need me, why would I be here?"
The usefulness may not switch off. Under Needed, a day when nobody requires you may bring a hollow drop in place of rest. I love taking care of people. I just have nothing left by the end of the day.
Read about Needed →These are two of several, and it may be neither. It may only be a hard job.
03
What is under the rule
Under Strong, the fear may be that if they see you struggle, you lose the only standing you have. What would answer it is being seen at less than full capacity and still being held.
Under Needed, the fear may be that without your usefulness there is no reason for you. What would answer it is being wanted rather than required.
04
One question that separates them
Which would be harder: them not needing you, or them seeing you struggle?
Not needing you is the Needed answer. Seeing you struggle is the Strong answer.
If neither is hard, there is not enough to tell, and that is a result.
A good deal of this is the work and not a rule. In some workplaces, showing strain really does count against you, and keeping it to yourself there is an accurate reading. For Strong, what to look at is cost, and whether it is costing you support you need away from work. Caring about people is not a rule either.
Subtraction separates the job from what you bring home. Only the second part is its business.
05
One thing to try this week
After your next hard shift, when someone at home asks how it was, notice what you say.
Later, write down what you said and one true thing you left out.
Nobody has to see it.
A page for another kind of helper is When You're a Therapist Who's Stuck.