The review was four good paragraphs and one sentence that began one area to develop. You have read that sentence thirty times. You drafted a reply and deleted it. That night you were short with everyone at home. Even when I know I've done nothing wrong, I get defensive and start trying to prove it.
Feedback that is unfair or carelessly given hurts for good reason, and that comes first.
01
What you do with feedback
The four good paragraphs may not register at all.
You go straight to the criticism. You prepare your answer to it. You look for evidence that it is wrong, and for evidence that it is right. You may work twice as hard for a month, or lose heart for a week.
Before the next review you are tense for days.
People tell you to be grateful for it, or not to take it personally.
It can cost you what the feedback was for, since a comment you are defending against is hard to use. Managers who notice the reaction may start softening what they tell you, and then you know less.
02
What the reaction may be protecting
"Being wrong isn't a mistake. It feels like a verdict."
The sentence may have said you were wrong. Under Right, that is hard whoever says it and however gently.
Read about Right →"I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
The trouble may be less what was said than who said it. Under Approval, the same words from someone else would have passed. Nothing terrible happened to me growing up. What stayed with me is how critical one person was.
Read about Approval →Others are possible. If the sting is that you did not see it coming, Ahead is nearer, where the fear is that if you stop managing, something goes wrong again. And it may be no rule.
03
What is under the rule
Under Right, the fear may be that if you are wrong about this, what else are you wrong about. What would answer it is being able to remain yourself while someone thinks you are wrong.
Under Approval, the fear may be that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. What would answer it is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification.
04
One question that separates them
Does it matter less if the person correcting you is someone you don't respect?
Yes, much less is the Approval answer. No, wrong is wrong whoever says it, is the Right answer.
If you can't tell, there is not enough to go on. That is a result.
Some reactions are in proportion. A review that threatens your job is a serious thing. In work where precision really matters, an error is serious too, and for Right the check is whether the reaction is in proportion outside that work. Wanting a mentor's respect is ordinary, and what tells you more is disproportion and duration.
This is one use of subtraction: a question that lets you set one of two explanations aside.
05
One thing to try this week
Write out the sentence that stung, word for word.
Under it, write what it says about the work.
Under that, write what you heard it say about you.
The same reaction away from work is on I Can't Stand Being Wrong.