You have decided, more than once, that their opinion does not matter. You have achieved more, in case more would do it. You have had the conversation with them in your head many times, and perhaps once out loud. You have kept your distance, and you still hear them. I've been told it all goes back to proving to one person that I'm good enough. I could have said that myself.
The Approval rule tends to loosen when you receive the approval and notice that it changed nothing, which is painful and is also a beginning. It can't be arranged, and trying harder to earn it is not the same thing.
01
Why what you tried didn't hold
Knowing who it is may not end it. You may have known for years.
Achieving more may not help either, because achieving is the method the rule already uses. Each new result may go to the same person for the same response.
Distance has a limit too. The rule's own line says they may not even be watching anymore. If the person does not have to be present for it to run, staying away from them may change little. Distance kept for other reasons is a separate matter, and this page has no view on it.
02
What the rule is waiting for
Each of those was a way of getting their answer, or of getting away from it. Under both there may be this.
What it says will happen
If I stop trying to earn it from them, I'll never get it, and it'll be final. "I'm still working for someone who may not even be watching anymore."
Under the Approval rule is a fear, that without their verdict you don't know what you are worth. The need under it is an internal measure that doesn't require ratification.
What goes against the fear is odd. It is receiving the approval and noticing it changed nothing. That is painful, and it is the beginning. It may also explain a thing you have already seen, that the times they did approve did not last.
03
Three things to do
None of these involves contacting the person.
- Catch the imagined reaction. Each evening, ask whose reaction you imagined that day, and about what. Write it down for a week.
- Form your own view first. Before you show a piece of work or a decision to anyone, write two lines on what you think of it. After you hear what others think, read your two lines again and see how far your view moved.
- Look back at the last time you hoped for it. Think of the last result you hoped that person would respond to. Write down what they said or did, how long any good feeling lasted, and what was different a month later.
04
What to expect
The first step may show more than you expect. The same person may show up on most evenings.
The second may be harder than it sounds. You may find you have no view until someone gives you one. That is worth knowing, and a view tends to form with practice.
The third may hurt. Seeing how little their response changed can bring sadness, and it can bring relief, sometimes in the same hour.
The imagined reaction will probably keep coming for a good while. Catching it is the work.
05
When this is the wrong page
It may turn out that no single person is behind this. If the first step gives you a different face every night, or none, Approval may be the wrong rule or only one part.
For that case there are two questions. If you achieved it and they never found out, would it still count? Yes, and still not enough, is the Output answer, and the Output rule covers it. And is there one specific person whose verdict runs this, or is it anyone who might pick you? Anyone is the Chosen answer, which is the subject of Chosen. What the Approval Rule Gets Mistaken For adds Peace and Right.
Three cases fall outside this page. Wanting a mentor's respect is ordinary and needs none of this. If the person has died, some of what you feel may have nothing to do with a rule. And if the person whose approval this is was abusive to you, this page is not the place for that, and licensed mental-health care is the right door.The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If tonight is an emergency, call or text 988 (US). This library is not that door.
The three steps are subtraction on a small scale, and What Is Subtraction? has the full version.